Fans, Readers, Friends and Stalkers
What can I say? How can I make my being absent (for so long!) ok?
Firstly – I’m sorry. It was never my intention to be (emotionally / technologically) distant.
Secondly – much as I have every intention of keeping up this blog, and being in close contact with you – it can be hard. Getting life going in Sydney, making new friends, trying to make time for old friends (especially when that time difference comes into play!), and then dealing with the usual everyday things – work, admin, etc. – it all sometimes can be a bit much. It’s not that I don’t care, but it’s just hard to maintain a life in the UK and make a life in Sydney. I want to make that work – but if there’s a lapse between me writing, then – it’s just a sign that whatever’s going on Down Under is keeping me temporarily occupied (and hopefully, therefore, out of mischief... Or maybe actually, in mischief. You’ll find out either way, from my blogs...)
So – what can I tell you about this last month?
Well, I went on the worst date of my life (and that takes some beating – the previous winner of this amazing title was a man who – looking deeply into my eyes, said with great sincerity, and a very heavy Carribean accent “You know, if I’m Superman – you’re my Kyrptonite”.The memory still makes me vom a little bit in my mouth...)
But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me tell you all about Awful Date – The Winner (Loser?) 2011.
Now this boy – let’s call him Nick - I met whilst I was out last week watching the rugby with some of the other Brits I know - he's the friend of a guy I work with, and he initially seemed pretty interesting. (Note to self for future - Heston Blumenthal's bacon and egg ice cream is interesting. That doesn't make it right).
We arranged to go out on Saturday night, as I was busy before then. As date-night came around I was feeling a bit awkward and unsure, but decided to “give it a go” anyway. This was a bad move. Nothing good ever comes from “giving something a go”. (British Leyland gave things a go. Look at what happened to them.) No, it not the sign of enthusiasm. And an unenthusiastic first date is a bad-date in waiting. Lesson learned. But I digress...
Nick and I meet up in Central Sydney, and it is raining buckets. Like, ridiculously. And there's me, in my heels, hair done, looking nice - and desperately just wanting to get into the warmth. And away from him. Because there he is, wearing a red polo neck (yes really) and jeans. Oh dear. We walk up the road (me desperately holding onto my brolly) for 3 BLOCKS (a block is about 300-400m, so - quite a way. In heels. And rain) and I finally turn around to him and ask how far from the place we are, and he goes - "Oh it's 2 blocks BACK, I just thought it would be nice to go for a walk." It was not nice to go for a walk. Especially in the rain. Stupid Boy.
When we finally reached our venue (by which time I was half drowned, and hypothermia was setting in), I was struck by 2 things: 1) How few clothes the girls inside were wearing, and 2) How few clothes the girls inside were wearing. I wasn’t sure if it was a Strip Club or a Restaurant, but apparently it was a clever combination of the two. How romantic.
What was making things even worse, however, was just how awkward it was. And not just because of his vile red polo-neck. Lots of long pauses in the conversation. Lots of weird moments where he said things like :
“On our 1 year anniversary we should...” (NO, Do not bring up future anniversaries on the FIRST DATE)
“Let's have a bake-off” (Excuse me?)
“Some of my girl friends are so jealous I'm going on a date” (they're welcome to you)
“You're such a cutie. I really, really like you. You're very feminine but strong. That's a turn on.”
OMG
I have never, ever tried to leave somewhere so fast (and that includes a childhood incident when I fell into a pond with a lot of frogspawn in it. I’d take the frogspawn down my wellies over Nick’s company any day of the week). I even went to the toilet for 5 minutes just to get away.
When finally the waiter came and asked if we wanted tea / coffee (I almost cried with relief that the night was over), my response was an emphatic “NO” barely before the question had even been asked.
Ditto when Nick asked me if I wanted to go on elsewhere for a drink :”NO, I'm tired" (it was 10pm... ah dear)
He then walks me back to my car (by this point things are so desperate that I’m faking a problem with my contact lense), I kiss him on the cheek, say something non-committal (rather than “Thank you for a lovely time” it was more like “Thank you for a....er... time...” and zoomed off at quite a pace.
About 2 minutes later I get a text - oh yes, the pain’s not over til it’s really at the point of needing emotional morphine: "So... I kinda feel like that didn't go so well... Is it something I said?" YES. SOMETHING YOU SAID, DID, AND WORE. (Oh yes, I forgot to mention, he got massively grumpy when it became clear it wasn't going so well- very monosyllabic. And weirdly competitive with me. Not cool)
Anyway, I didn’t reply (partly because I was driving, partly because I was at a total loss)
I then get another text 30 minutes later (please bear in mind I’d only been home for 10 minutes, so it wasn’t as though I could reply immediately even if I wanted to. Which I obviously didn’t. But that’s besides the point) - "Ok. I really liked you but whatever. Have a nice life"
Ladies and gentlemen – WTF?!
Other things to mention from the worst date ever –
He kept trying to get me to agree to play scrabble with him (No. It’s not a game I enjoy. I get very competitive. And I don’t like being forced into doing things I don’t want to. So no.), and was also pushing me to tell him something nobody else knew about me (Firstly – no. Secondly - there's not much my "besties' don’t know. Thirdly – again, just no.) His response to all this was, "Well, I'm blind in one eye". At this point, I think I started whimpering slightly (it was all becoming far too much to handle), and Googling nunneries on my iPhone. Readers, tell me now - is it time for me to give up altogether?!
So that is the sorry story of the worst date ever. Please share my pain, confusion, and sorrow then – as I have tried to do – take a deep breath, and let it go. (And be very grateful it wasn’t you.)
Now – off boys and on to other (less important, obviously) subjects...
I’ve begun to have a work life balance, I just need now to discover a work/life/sleep balance (what I believe is technically known as the Holy Trinity)
I have discovered that not only does Australia promote an equal opportunities ice cream (Golden Gaytime, anyone?) but that it also enjoys pushing the boundaries on its dairy products (as the below photo shows)
And I think – really – that’s it.
To summarise, this month has taught me
1) Guys who are not Italian, studenty, or massively attractive should never ever wear polo-necks. And G-d forbid that said polo-neck is red.
2) I have had some truly atrocious dates
3) That a trip to an Australian supermarket is almost as good as a visit to the Comedy Store
4) That being visually impaired with a bad personality does not make me attracted to you
5) That although my best intentions may not always be followed through as I would like (i.e. with staying in touch with everyone back home), the thought and love is always there, and always will be. Fact.
I will write again soon. Honestly.
Love
Belle x
